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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27650110">swingin' spathiphyllums</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/reva_pocalypse/pseuds/reva_pocalypse'>reva_pocalypse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autistic Benrey (Half-Life), Fluff, Gordon has PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Trans Gordon Freeman, bantering with your roommate who you have purely platonic feelings about to cope, benrey he/they/it, listening to plantasia to cope, mentions of transphobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:27:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27650110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/reva_pocalypse/pseuds/reva_pocalypse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>benrey walks in on gordon panicking in his room. they help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benrey/Gordon Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>swingin' spathiphyllums</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gordon sat hunched up at his bedside desk, clenching his teeth so hard it hurt. He had just gotten off a FaceTime call with his landlord, who had been… less than kind. He had pressed Gordon about why he kept his lights on all night, why there was always music playing in his apartment. He said it was "disturbing the neighbors." Gordon had retorted that maybe the landlord needed to invest in thicker walls for everyone's benefit, which was. A mistake.</p><p>Gordon was pretty sure that at some point, somehow, his landlord had found out he was trans. After all, the guy had treated him normally for years until his attitude flipped on a dime, and all of a sudden he started asking really weird questions about his personal life that made Gordon feel wildly uncomfortable.</p><p>The man had gotten even more bitter now that Gordon had stopped struggling to pay rent, what with the money G-Man had given him after Black Mesa. The guy seemed to have a personal vendetta against Gordon, and considering he was in full control of Gordon's entire living situation, this made their conversations terrifying to navigate.</p><p>Especially now that he'd said the wrong thing and made the landlord hang up on him in the middle of their conversation.</p><p>Gordon shuddered, pressing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. It was late evening, and the sky was darkening quickly. If the landlord got sick of him and turned off his power, it wouldn't be long before the apartment would fall into pitch black, and Gordon didn't think he could handle that.</p><p>Even if he didn't decide to do something that petty, Gordon was still in deep shit! What was he going to do?? He hardly had enough energy to get out of bed in the morning half the time, how could he possibly go hunting for a new apartment? What if G-Man took his money back, because he realized how pathetic and weak Gordon was acting, and decided he didn't deserve it anymore? What if —</p><p>"hey? are, you… you okay?"</p><p>Gordon would have tensed up if his body wasn't already frozen solid with tension. He just looked away from Benrey instead, trying to avoid his gaze. "Dude, don't bother me."</p><p>"..." Gordon couldn't stand the silence. What was Benrey thinking? Were they silently laughing at him?</p><p>"you were just, uh, talking… it was… to your landlord, right?" they asked tentatively. Gordon blinked in surprise.</p><p>"Uh, yeah. Were you listening?"</p><p>"yeah man. your voice is so loud i could hear it in the kitchen haha." Normally, Gordon would go off on Benrey for that, but he felt too drained to get any more worked up than he already was. Instead, he felt his face twist up into a pathetic little frown, which he immediately hid in his knees, feeling shame pool up inside him.</p><p>"fuck, i didn't — shit!" Benrey muttered, sounding… frantic? It was enough to make Gordon tentatively lift his head again, looking directly at Benrey for the first time.</p><p>They were fisting their hands in their sweater, looking at Gordon with more concern than Gordon had ever seen on their face before. It made Gordon's chest twist painfully. He started shaking with repressed emotion, roughly swallowing back tears.</p><p>"Leave me alone," he hissed, whispering so Benrey couldn't tell he was crying, and pressing his face back into his knees. There was a long moment of silence. Gordon didn't hear Benrey walk away, knew it was still standing there, staring at him.</p><p>Then, he heard it carefully shuffle up to stand next to him, and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"i'll leave you alone if you want me to, but. is there… can i help? please?" he asked quietly. The touch, small as it was, lessened the tightness in Gordon's chest just a little. He took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh.</p><p>"If… if you want to. And if you promise not to make fun of me," Gordon started, trying to harden his voice so Benrey knew he was serious. His voice still came out shaky and weak, but Benrey seemed to get the picture, nodding quickly.</p><p>"Okay. Can you, uh. Get a lamp? One of those battery powered ones that doesn't plug into the wall. And my phone. I think I left it… uh… fuck, I don't remember where. Sorry." The last word came out far more miserable than Gordon had intended, making him wince. He really had no control over his voice when he was upset, huh?</p><p>"don't apologize. it's — you're good. i'll be right back 'kay?" Benrey patted Gordon's shoulder before making their way out of his room. Gordon forced himself to focus on his breathing, not wanting to fall to pieces and become a total mess before Benrey got back.</p><p>Benrey returned very quickly, and sat on the bed beside Gordon's desk, turning on the lamp and putting it on his desk. Gordon sighed in relief at the sight.</p><p>"Thanks, man. I just… you said you were listening, right?"</p><p>"...sssorry about that, i just. i dunno. wasn't thinking."</p><p>"No, it's okay, I don't really mind. It wasn't, like, a <i>private</i> conversation, it just." Gordon let out a breath. "That guy really, really doesn't like me. I've seen him do stupid petty shit to some of my neighbors, for all I know he'll cut my power for a night because I was being rude."</p><p>"whaaaaaa. that's so dumb. you weren't even being rude you were… being right. havin a big brain moment." Gordon huffed in amusement, the ghost of a smile appearing on his face.</p><p>"You think so?"</p><p>"of course. that idiot doesn't know what's up. he probably… probably plays some stupid console, like the uhhh. sega dreamcast."</p><p>"Hey, come on, the Dreamcast isn't that bad," Gordon rolled his eyes at Benrey, smiling a little despite himself. "Man, you have such bad taste."</p><p>Benrey just chuckled. Gordon took another deep breath, realizing how much looser he felt now. He looked over at Benrey, then down at its hands, realizing he'd asked for his phone and then immediately forgotten about it.</p><p>"Here, gimme that," he said, taking his phone from Benrey. He flicked through his Spotify until he found his chill playlist, and hit play. A rippling crescendo rang out into the room, and Gordon smiled. He leaned back in his chair, finally feeling his shoulders and arms start to relax. Benrey sat quietly, humming along to the melody.</p><p>"i like this song," they said. Gordon smiled at him.</p><p>"It's from Plantasia. I love this album," he said. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, letting himself relax a bit more with each exhale. He heard the creak of the bed as Benrey lay down, still humming. They sat there for a while, just letting the playlist run on shuffle. It was peaceful.</p><p>After a while, when Gordon felt relaxed enough to let go of his legs, he stood up and stretched. Benrey lifted its head and peeked open an eye.</p><p>"you feelin better?"</p><p>"Yeah, I —" Gordon cut himself off with a long yawn. "A lot better. Thank you, Benrey."</p><p>Benrey smiled, giving Gordon a thumbs up. "you said the light helps you?" he asked, tilting his head.</p><p>"Uh… yeah. I know it sounds stupid, I just. Can't stand the dark anymore, after Black Mesa."</p><p>"that's not stupid. i, uh… yeah." Gordon blinked at Benrey, who looked away.</p><p>"Were you about to say something, or."</p><p>"nnnnnnope. dunno what you're talking about."</p><p>"Riiiight."</p><p>Gordon just stood there, staring at Benrey, counting in his head. <i>One, two, three, four…</i></p><p>"well," Benrey started. Gordon held himself back from grinning — he'd found out that if he put the pressure on the guy, Benrey would always cave after exactly five seconds of silence.</p><p>"i don't… like. loud noises. or not — not just if something's loud. if… if an area is loud. like…" Benrey trailed off, dropping their head back onto the bed and making vague gestures in the air.</p><p>"If there are too many loud sounds at once? Like, auditory overstimulation?" Gordon asked. Benrey snapped their fingers and nodded.</p><p>"yeah. like that. i dunno i've had that for a long time, not just because of black mesa, but uh, black mesa was baaaaad."</p><p>"Yeah. It was," Gordon agreed. He walked over and lay down on the bed next to Benrey, stretching out with a sigh.</p><p>"you goin to bed? sleepyhead? little tired man?" Benrey asked. Gordon laughed.</p><p>"Yep. I'm the tiredest man you've ever met, Benrey, and I'm gonna pass out any second now. You won't even see it coming!"</p><p>"oh SHIT." it deadpanned. "i better go, uh, shine that light in your eyes, better keep you awake."</p><p>"Noooooo!" Gordon turned and pressed his face into the sheets, shoving Benrey away. "Let me live, man!"</p><p>"yeah, that's what i'm doing. i'm letting you experience life, by shining this nice light in your face."</p><p>"Why can't I experience life during my — my peaceful slumber?"</p><p>"not, uh… fair. cheating."</p><p>"How is that cheating."</p><p>"you're using, uh, the secret strat. you're stealing it all for yourself."</p><p>Gordon squinted, looking at Benrey and pondering his words for a moment. "Are you telling me… are you implying that you don't know how to sleep?"</p><p>Benrey's eyes widened for a split second before his face returned to normal. "no."</p><p>Gordon cackled. "You don't know how to sleep! Holy shit!"</p><p>"no, man, i — fuck!" Benrey huffed out a laugh despite itself. Gordon felt lighter than he had all day.</p><p>"Oh my god. This is so fucking funny. I thought you just stayed up all the time because you didn't feel like sleeping, not because you literally can't figure it out!"</p><p>"i just — okay. dumbass. if it's that easy just — explain it."</p><p>"You, just…" Gordon crawled across the bed and got under the covers, putting his head on the pillow. "Lie like this."</p><p>Benrey followed suit, taking the other pillow.</p><p>"And then you close your eyes, and then you wait." Gordon watched as Benrey squeezed their eyes shut, lying perfectly still. This lasted about nine seconds before they opened them again with a huff.</p><p>"not workinggggg," he whined. Gordon grinned in delight.</p><p>"You gotta be more patient than that!"</p><p>"don't wannaaaa."</p><p>"Christ, Benrey."</p><p>Gordon shook his head in mock disappointment, still smiling. Benrey stuck its tongue out at Gordon.</p><p>"You're so immature."</p><p>"says gordon freeman."</p><p>"Yeah. I did say that."</p><p>"yeah."</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"uh huh."</p><p>"That's right."</p><p>"you —" Benrey yawned, then startled. "oh shit. that's… that's not normal."</p><p>"Hey, look at you! You're getting sleepy!" Gordon said, patting Benrey on the shoulder in congratulations. Benrey made a vague mocking sound, rolling his eyes.</p><p>"yeah, whatever."</p><p>"It happens when you're not thinking about it. Just… close your eyes, and think about something nice. You won't even realize you fell asleep until tomorrow morning."</p><p>"this better fuckin work," Benrey muttered, letting out a breath and closing their eyes. Gordon closed his eyes too. The playlist was still going in the background, quiet enough to be soothing instead of bothersome.</p><p>Normally, it would take Gordon anywhere from twenty minutes to two hours to fall asleep. But something about the gentle, regular sound of Benrey breathing next to him seemed to flip a switch in his brain, and he felt himself drifting off within minutes. The last thing he registered before slipping into a deep sleep was a gentle hand skimming his face, brushing the hair out of his eyes.</p>
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